Sunday, July 4 of this year, with my wife at our spot near the community center, reading and waiting for the patriotic orchestra to start — neither of us wanted to read any further.
Our book was Quivering Daughters, by Hillary McFarland, which released this summer. I was given a copy by Don Veinot, president of the apologetics ministry Midwest Christian Outreach. He’s written much on the topic of un-Biblical patriarchy: a Christian-esque belief system about sex and family relationships that overemphasizes a man’s role as head of the household and his wife’s and children’s roles under his authority. Since then, I’ve also written much about this.
But McFarland’s book brought the worst of patriarchy’s roots and fruits to often-frightening life.
Quivering is based on the author’s own experiences as a “quivering daughter” in a household that valued conformity, “spiritual” poverty and ignorance of true sources of sin, at the expense of grace and the Gospel. Almost all the book is specifically intended for women who’ve been brought up in this particular lifestyle. Thus this particular reader had a few hurdles going in:
- I’m not a daughter, and I’m not quivering (though I have researched “patriarchy” beliefs);
- McFarland’s style is very “devotional,” mostly about admitting the problems exist and finding healing, with perhaps not as many beat-up-those-abusers-with-the-real-Bible parts as I’d favor!
The fact is, I would have preferred more hitting of the patriarchalists where it hurts, and I don’t mean in a graceless way, but on the very territory they’ve used to justify extra-Biblical lifestyles and even worse legalisms as the most Godly way to live: verses ripped screaming from context.
Space doesn’t permit more than this summary. Many patriarchalists say they believe Biblical passages such as Ephesians 5, which do lay out a “complementarian” vision of differing yet equal roles for men and women. But they go too far, seeking as their basis to avoid “feminism” and supposed compromise — and losing sight of a Gospel center. Thus, they look to the Old Testament, or their favorite parts, for implications about how a father (not just parents) should uniquely manage his family. That can include keeping his daughters at home (with college and any jobs seen as the domain of feminism) and micro-managing their “Biblical” courtships. As for the “quivering” term, it refers to a belief system inferred from Psalm 127:5, assuming that if children are the Lord’s blessing, then logically the more children (and sooner!) the better.
Organizations such as Vision Forum, and leaders such as Doug Phillips, promote such teachings. They tend to ignore how God does work His will among Christian women who go to college or work outside home, either before they get married and become mothers, or if they stay single.
But McFarland doesn’t name names or sling Scripture as much as she offers womanly empathy for her audience. Many quotes from other “quivering daughters” — she also runs a blog about these issues — provide backup for the kinds of sin-denial and un-Biblical actions that can go on in patriarchal families. And she tells her own painful story — thus the hard reading I mentioned.
Daughters quivering together
One of the less-intense examples is from a grown woman named Carolyn, about her parents:
They told me I was “deceived” because I am a woman. That God would only speak to me through Dad. At one point I cried out and said, “I just want you to acknowledge that I can legitimately be led by God myself!” Dad answered me, “That is an oxymoron! You cannot be led by God yourself!” Dad even said I would never be his equal before God When he said that, I tried to leave the room but Mom grabbed me and tried to physically force me to stay. Over the next four months, they tried many things. They withheld love. Refused to hug me. Told me I didn’t love them. Had “discussions” that were 2 to 3 hours in length. Told me I was “making people in my family sick.”
They blamed me for any problems, saying that since I’d never told them I had these thoughts, it was my fault. When I tried to explain that I was too afraid to share, they said they never did anything to make me afraid. Anything I told them about pain in my upbringing was called “family-bashing.”
The book has dozens of similar anecdotes, from struggles such as this, to the account of the girl abused by a relative, and the parents, afraid of being revealed as less-than-perfect, not dealing with it. (The account of the girl, the mom and a dead dog made us have to stop for a while.)
Frequently it seems quite overwhelming. As a reader, I wanted truth to shine brighter than the darkness. Yet I recognize that a quivering daughter, not son, might need more empathy first.
All throughout, McFarland stresses not developing resentful attitudes toward patriarchal parents and other spiritual (and even physical) abusers, but forgiveness, and reliance on the true God. It takes a while, but perhaps the book is at its best when she encourages quivering readers not to keep buying the lies that this is what God is like and what true Christianity really is.
I might not always agree with all her advice, however, such as to quit reading the Bible for a while so one’s stigma about its contents can eventually vanish and one can read it again with joy, or her suggestion to find a Christian counselor who can help. How about a Biblical local church instead, that teaches the Gospel and its results in life, with a solid pastor or elders? Some of the self-talk, also, which often approaches find-your-inner-child language, along with prolonged lapses into fiction (and I’m a fiction author!) seemed a bit out-of-place to this reader.
But overall the emphasis is one of grace and looking to the real Jesus, the only true Mediator Who died to save His people, meaning that no one, priest or human father, stands in between.
A firmer foundation
Quivering does get a little shaky at other times, and I don’t mean just emotionally. Some of the book could use better organization and editing; it looks and feels self-published (and probably is, in this age of print-on-demand). The introductory essay/chapter presents a great overview of many patriarchalists’ truth-minimizing search for a God-approved “culture,” yet could have been expanded to form a whole section about how patriarchalists twist Scripture, likely based on this:
Jesus neither endorsed, nor participated in, a separatist lifestyle […] rather, He took positive illustrations from, and participated in, His culture.
[… Gordon] Fee and [Douglas] Stuart argue that “there is no such thing as a divinely ordained culture; cultures are in fact different, not only from the first to the twentieth century, but in every conceivable way in the twentieth century itself.” They caution against applying a biblical passage to a present-day situation when particulars in the passage are not comparable to the present-day situation.
This is solid hermeneutics — something patriarchalists often see past, in their fervor to avoid sin or to preserve the integrity of a belief system that is consistent internally, but not with all of the Scripture. I would’ve suggested more about this because, from what I’ve seen, many quivering daughters have already been conditioned to ignore shoulder-crying and empathy, and instead resort to misinterpreted proof-texts from Scripture. Thus one may likely first remove the flawed foundation, gently, showing how it is not the right way to read the Word and find God’s will.
Summary
Christians intent on finding the Biblical basis for male/female and husband/wife roles, and avoid junk to either extreme of previous “churchianity” strains — evangelical feminism or chauvinism — will find Quivering Daughters a solid place to start.
So far, while many rising and Reformed leaders speak out against feminism’s wrongs, I have not yet seen much about lurking “Biblical” chauvinism that’s just as prevalent in other circles.
But as the bad fruits from overcorrecting, Gospel-neglecting leaders and families become more apparent, I’m confident more Gospel-driven authors, bloggers and teachers will add more books and research to the discussion. Perhaps best of all, Christians who want to follow Biblical roles for God’s glory, and teach their children His truth in love, will become more aware of the wrong leaders and teachings that are still out there, and seek Biblical balance in their families.
December 1, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Overall, good thoughts.
I think you’re right about Hilary’s tone and her audience. For young women coming out of this type of situation, empathy is very needed. The strong “hitting the patriarchalists where it hurts” might sound like more of the same, similar to what they’ve been hearing from their own families and leaders. I’m not sure. I would like to see another book at some point with a more solid, academic approach, though. I can see how both would reach different audiences.
Oh, and you are correct that Hilary self-published her book. If I remember correctly, she didn’t want to wait as long as it would take to get it officially published?
The one point I will have to disagree on is that of seeking a counselor’s guidance. Rarely or never have I seen a church leader equipped to deal with these kind of problems. They are typically easily swayed by smooth words and cannot see past the facade to understand what is really happening in the family. It seems almost impossible for them to recognize that something can be wrong when there isn’t physical evidence of abuse. Speaking from my own experience of the attitudes my mom faced when seeking help from church leaders and knowing the stories of other friends, sometimes an outside counselor is crucial. They are trained professionals and while some are certainly better than others, I am inclined to think that they would almost always be preferable to a church leader.
December 2, 2010 at 8:43 am
Thanks for your encouragement, Danae! As for more-academic punchback versus empathizing, as we seem to agree, that depends on the audience. Yet I wonder if my guess is accurate, that patriarchy-raised women are already conditioned to reject shoulder-crying — thus they would need likely just as many Bible-based rebuttals as offers for encouragement and counsel.
About the counselor part: my alternative suggestion posits a Gospel-driven church setting, and not necessarily counsel only directly from a pastor or elder, but a counselor who is a part of a local church.
I base this suggestion firstly on Scripture’s constantly emphasis of bearing one another’s burdens in a local-church context, given the church is indeed faithful to the Word and practices Biblical discernment — and would thus see through the facade of a “perfect” family.
Secondly I’m aware of instances in which a “Christian” counselor not only counseled in un-Biblical ways, but didn’t even have a church context in which to go to his/her pastor and say, “Um, do you know what your member is out there preaching about?” And indeed the boundaries between counseling and pastoring — which would bring with it all the qualifications of 1 Timothy 3 — are quite vague.
Fortunately, I know of several cases in which Biblically wise, trained Christian counselors have helped others, pointing back to the local church as the essential on-Earth blessing of God, a safe place for healing and turning back to the real Word and His real Self. Such places may be unfortunately rare nowadays, with all the emphasis on appearance and bringing in numbers rather than the Gospel, but I doubt the problem will be alleviated by relying more on parachurch counseling organizations rather than addressing the Church’s flaws.
Thus, I do wish McFarland had talked more about relying on a solid and Biblical local church and not implied more do-it-yourself Christianity. That’s why I’m hopeful for a Quivering Daughters sequel!
December 2, 2010 at 3:05 pm
I was not raised in this kind of home (I grew up in an abusive home but not a Christian home), but I married into a similar home. My marriage lasted 20 years till he divorced me.
My ex-in-laws are retired, career missionaries. They, and my ex, followed the rules … any rules they could find, and the many more they made up. It was never pretty whenever I questioned any of their rules.
I have read some of her blog but not her book b/c I’m not ready.
But I did want to comment on a few things.
There is good reason to take a break from reading the Bible for awhile. When the Bible is used to inflict pain and never healing, we need to step back for a season to find balance. It’s similar to a physical abuse victim being beaten and then hugged by the same hands.
I agree it is difficult to find a good, biblical counselor, but they do exist. I spent a couple of years or so in deep, biblical therapy. Since, I have discovered how many poor counselors there are out there as I talk to others who have been in counseling. However, I still strongly support her in this, and one of the reasons for that is my next comment …
… and that is in reference to the church. I had to take a long break from the church for the same reason I described with the Bible: It’s similar to a physical abuse victim being beaten and then hugged by the same hands.
But, my break from the church was longer than desired b/c the kind of church you describe is rare. I was shocked at how my girls and I were treated in the church through and after my divorce. It was horrible. We tried many churches for extended periods of time, and after awhile I decided it was better not to go to church than to come home crying every week. I did not want my girls to think that church was a place to get hurt, and it broke my heart to see them so hurt. Also, I have a special needs daughter which made it even more difficult to find a church b/c there was little to no compassion or desire to help.
God is healing me in all areas … but it is much slower than I would like … and it looks much different than most of the Christian culture would like.
***
“The fact is, I would have preferred more hitting of the patriarchalists where it hurts, and I don’t mean in a graceless way, but on the very territory they’ve used to justify extra-Biblical lifestyles and even worse legalisms as the most Godly way to live: verses ripped screaming from context.”
Personally, I am thankful there are those out there who can do this; I am not one of them. It takes so much energy and strength just to heal. “Fighting back” is best left to those who are better equipped and have more strength than I.
***
“This is solid hermeneutics — something patriarchalists often see past, in their fervor to avoid sin or to preserve the integrity of a belief system that is consistent internally, but not with all of the Scripture. I would’ve suggested more about this because, from what I’ve seen, many quivering daughters have already been conditioned to ignore shoulder-crying and empathy, and instead resort to misinterpreted proof-texts from Scripture. Thus one may likely first remove the flawed foundation, gently, showing how it is not the right way to read the Word and find God’s will.”
My late Mentor spent a long time with me, one-on-one, working thru un-teaching false truths so she could re-teach Truth. She did this very lovingly and tenderly, and she used the Bible, verse-by-verse, allowing the Bible to teach.
One of the difficult things is reading the Bible and believing what it actually says and not what I’ve been told that it says, if that makes any sense.
***
One of the difficult things about all this is how long it takes to heal and how many layers and levels of healing are needed. We want to go through a process and have it be over, but it’s never over. There are plateaus where we get to coast for awhile, then something happens, and we’re back in the healing process again.
What I love about Hillary is that she’s created a very safe, anger-free, conflict-free, place where we can know we are good and okay and normal.
December 2, 2010 at 9:58 pm
“Yet I wonder if my guess is accurate, that patriarchy-raised women are already conditioned to reject shoulder-crying — thus they would need likely just as many Bible-based rebuttals as offers for encouragement and counsel.”
I can answer that for you to some extent…listening and crying together comes first, often after waiting through a long, shell-shocked silence. Listening, and then answering questions once they’re asked.
December 2, 2010 at 11:17 pm
I’ like to explain something about why a writer such as Hillary may suggest stopping their Bible reading for a time while they decompress from religious abuse. I mean this respectfully…but if you have ever had an abused dog who was beat with a newspaper repeatedly from when they were a pup, then a new owner takes them in..that dog won’t even tinkle on a newspaper. It’s best not to even have one in the house for a while. When the Bible is used as a weapon to condemn, then reading the Bible is like being beat again and again. Words hurt, especially when those words were used as mind control and condemnation.
And as far as being self-published goes..there’s a lot going on in Christianity that most ‘Christian’ publishers won’t publish…but those stories still need to be told.
As far as churches go, many churches don’t know how to handle these kinds of situations. A person who has been spiritually abused don’t easily trust any religious leaders anymore, so jumping into another church right away is not the wisest decision in many of these extreme cases.
The true church is the Body of Christ and the Body meets in various places and in various ways. I think it’s obvious that Hillary and her husband have found spiritual guidance, as it’s obvious in her book and on her blog. WE, the people, ARE the church. We are the Temple of the Holy Ghost..but a building is just a building.
December 2, 2010 at 11:18 pm
(pardon my grammar and typos..can’t edit the reply)
December 3, 2010 at 2:29 pm
I see where you’re coming from a little more, then. In an ideal world, I would agree that a healthy church with a counselor like you are describing would be able to address a family’s problems in a helpful way. I guess I’m just inclined to think that that situation is even more rare than a Biblical Christian counselor. I would be hesitant to send any woman to a church for fear for her safety unless I was already personally acquainted with and confident in that church. At least the counselor is specifically trained to understand potential dangers in an abusive situation, even if I wouldn’t agree with all of their philosophies.
I suppose part of this is the social worker in me coming out.
I don’t believe that a pastor or elder should be prepared to be the *sole* or primary counselor for an abusive family situation unless they have had professional training. Too often they jump to conclusions or gloss over problems with easy “Christian” answers. While secular psychology and counseling has its weaknesses and self-centered philosophies, it also has a great deal of knowledge that Christians could learn a lot from (regarding development, attachment, trauma, abuse, domestic violence, therapy, etc). I would love to see a professional counselor working together with a healthy church community to provide an individual or family with both the support of a Christian community of believers *and* the specific interventions they need, but I’ve never actually seen that before.
In my own local church community, we have a domestic violence shelter and a conference employee (female) to address issues of abuse within the local churches. But while the churches and their leaders outwardly profess to support this, there tends to be conflict and no actual support when a situation arises. Church leaders don’t seem to want to admit that a member of their church community – particularly if that member is in leadership – could possibly be in the wrong. A woman in a vulnerable position is quickly shut down to protect the man. I don’t think this is intentional on the part of the leadership, but I think they don’t want to believe the truth and end up convincing themselves of what they want to believe.
Now I’m sure I sound very jaded and cynical.
Sorry for such a downer response! Out of curiosity, do you feel like your own church would be equipped to handle abusive family situations?
December 3, 2010 at 7:36 pm
I would respectfully suggest that only someone who has been through the situation might know what they feel is healing or not.
December 4, 2010 at 4:50 pm
[...] also wrote a book review of Quivering Daughters by Hillary [...]
December 5, 2010 at 6:09 pm
I think we daughters have been taught to overlook cynicism, and criticism of the movement, and to debate hotly when theology/ideas are challenged; but we have no experience with true, heartfelt compassion and love.
Our parents don’t really “love” us products of their vision. Our extended families are just the same, or else against it (ie. part of ‘the world’ which is evil) and people of ‘the world’ we don’t listen to at all, except maybe to judge.
When someone from within, someone who has been through it all, and who REALLY TRULY loves us? Her kind, compassionate, and grace-filled words completely destroyed any prejudice I might have had against her message.
When you have never had/seen something like it before, how can you be prepared against it?